Wow…I had so many plans for what I wanted to do for my blog and instead ended up taking a hiatus! WHAT A FAIL! And how are we already almost in MAY! Since February I have felt like time is just passing me by and I have taken no “me” time. Which is honestly a bit embarrassing and self disappointing given the topic of my last blog (see here).
I really cannot complain too much though. During this unintended hiatus I have gotten a pay raise, moved, got a promotion, and spend some time up north training for my new position. Although I am disappointed in myself for not making time for some things that I wanted to do in regards to my blog, my health etc I am glad I have gotten these new blessings this year and so early on. They were goals I had for myself, but blogging and self care really were the main and long term goals given how crucial they are yet how easy they are to set aside. But now that they are complete, I am going to focus on my blog, and on me. I have been all about work that I have forgotten how to balance it all out. Getting out a couple of hours ago from an overtime shift, I realized that it was the first time since my promotion that i have gotten out of work around my scheduled time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job but this new position comes with a shift that takes up all of my day. By the time I finish, it is time to start getting ready for bed and then waking up to get ready to work. I have been too tired to do things other than work or if I am up I just succumb to the exhaustion and laziness.
Something I am going to start doing is to learn when to step away; step away from work and let the next person take over, step away from negativity being put out by people; and catch myself & hold myself accountable in meeting my own personal schedule and deadlines. I am also going to stop doing overtime for a while and go back to planning/scheduling and abide by it. I want to start practicing self care. I want to stop saying “TOMORROW” to myself. I want to remember that it is okay to not always put people before yourself – especially when it takes a toll on you. I want to go back to exploring Central Florida on my days off and working on the blog & instagram. This week I am going to wrap up work and assignments I have to complete and finally request a couple days off for the first time this year.
Can you believe that I bought a Planner for this year that I was SOOOOOO excited for and have not even used it? Between work and dealing with depression I have felt so defeated the last few months. I am so tired of feeling like I am just barely existing but not living. I am so tired of feeling like a waste of space or just someone that is here to work.
I read that in actuality it takes at least 66 days (not 21) for a behaviour to become automatic, therefore for the next 3 months I am going to live by my planner; follow a schedule for blog time, work time, exercise time, and eating time (how little I eat in a day or how easily I can forget to eat is getting unhealthy) all with the intent to make this my new normal! With that said, I challenge and urge you to take some time for YOURSELF. Pamper YOURSELF. Do something nice for YOURSELF. Learn to balance YOURSELF. Stop saying “Tomorrow” when it comes to YOURSELF. Love on YOURSELF.
Ahh, that last one. “Love on YOURSELF”. I cannot tell you how hard that one is for me…. those of you who understand how going through a season of depression can make you struggle or show you how much you struggle, loving yourself. How can we be happy when we do not love ourselves? I don’t know… Am I misinterpreting the feeling?…. Although I have just referred to it as a “going through a season of depression”, the truth is I have been going through this for years but as I type this I refuse to believe that this will last forever.. the feeling of sometimes disliking myself, of not wanting to get up, of going days without even wanting to brush my hair, of having no problem listening to others and trying to give them advice and make them laugh yet I can’t seem to do that for myself, of wanting to do something yet feeling physically and mentally like I just can NOT get up and start, of questioning how in the World am I still here…
But I’m done. I am DONE with this. I am making a choice… I am choosing to not waste another year of my life like this. I have closed myself off from most of the World the last few years as I deal with this and I just don’t want to waste another. I don’t know if that is the answer but this is what I am going to do; start putting self care and self love first! No more saying tomorrow. No more giving up when I fall off. I slipped on this goal I made for myself this year but I am challenging myself to come out of this and I’m starting TODAY!; No more tomorrow-ing myself into another year – we don’t know how many of those we have left. And even if it is many, you don’t want to suddenly come to the realization that “tomorrow” took 10 years. So here’s to self care – May it win this time.